People keep congratulating me and I don’t even know their names. I just nod and reply, “Thank You.” I’m not a talker and never have been, so they know I’m not trying to be short. Everything I own seems to have the numbers 2017 branded on them, and my grandmother keeps lugging more of it in by the day. I have a black dress, black shoes, and black cap and gown taunting me. Four days left. In four days I will hold a high school diploma in my hands. It’s so shocking I still can’t comprehend it.
A large part of me is ready. For the last week I have been out of school. I wake up, clean, watch Netflix, and around noon start running errands. Sometimes I feel productive, but a majority feels like I am just wasting time. There is a saying “the years pass like days and the days pass like years.” That’s how I feel now because it is already Thursday night, but it feels like a few hours ago I was just graduating sixth grade. After taking my last AP exam this afternoon, the day has dragged on forever. I can’t wait to go to sleep.
My life has to be at least as scattered as that paragraph above. I was suppose to discuss how sometimes I feel like a capable adult ready to take on the world. Instead I just bit the bullet and went straight onto my failures. Since yesterday morning I’ve been stuck in a fog as if my conscience is literally in the clouds. My thoughts swirling out of control, unable to catch up with reality.
I do not like change. Envisioning that in less than a month I will be registering for college classes located over two hours away from my home is terrifying. I am not ready to wash laundry all by myself. I do not want to buy my own shampoo. But I am ready to start college classes; I took four this year and was very thrilled with their outcomes. I am ready to manage my own money, my grandmother has taught me well. Although I am still almost four thousand short for my tuition the first year, and that makes me uneasy. This is my education. I don’t want to financially burden my family.
The nervousness sinks in when it comes to getting social and involved. I have social anxiety (although never officially diagnosed). The thought of walking up to people and uttering my name even makes me want to hyperventilate. I don’t mind being independent, I have always been that. I do mind getting out of my shell, but I won’t have any choice. I will not have family calling people for appointments or going to the bookstore to pay for classes. I have socially blossomed the last few years, but wondering how this transition will effect my anxiety gives me even more apprehension.
I try to keep all of these negativities off my mind. Maybe the reason I feel so out of it is because I spend all my time suppressing them. I like to be a happy person, being positive makes me happy. I have a drive. I will go to college. I will get a degree. I will have freinds. And, it will all be okay.