Welcome Week

welcome

It’s Friday and my college Welcome Week is coming to a close. In addition I just concluded my first two college classes, and ended the day with a good teary breakdown.

The classes weren’t bad, but I am faced with the reality that it will much more difficult than high school. When lectures start next week I will have assignments daily. And the wifi in our dorm isn’t great, as a matter of fact, it isn’t even decent.

The issue isn’t that I am alone, or to be more precise, lonely. Sure, I wish I was sleeping in my own bed. I wish I was with my family. I wish I wasn’t three hours away.

The problem is my comparison to everyone else. I feel like people have already made their friend groups and now I’m not invited to join. Dorm walls aren’t very thick and I hear all this chatter going on around me. On the other hand, I have developed plenty of acquaintances.

Then there are a people with groups of five and six eating in the cafe. These people are likely upperclassmen and have developed relationships. I don’t know anyone, how am I suppose to walk up to that group and ask to sit? Of course, I don’t want to eat alone, but none of my acquaintances are there to join, so what am I suppose to do?

I mean I don’t have anyone to act stupid around or to be 100% myself with. And I’m not good at opening up in conversations. I fear that I’m not funny enough or intelligent enough. I can pick a topic to talk about, but I can’t make the conversation last.

I think it’s weird because they say that you meet all of these people that become your besties, but I really haven’t found anyone (yet).

My roommate doesn’t really need to search. She seems great, but lives about 15 minutes away, so she knows a ton of people and will probably be going home every weekend.

Also, in order to socialize I cut way back on a lot of things I primarily did in highschool (like YouTube). I used to pour my heart and soul into it and I spent all year editing for a couple of hours a day. I wish I could do that now, but I feel like every minute I take for myself I am sacrificing friendships.

Maybe that is where the miniature breakdown came from. What if the case isn’t that I am alone, but instead that I am not used to be around people as much?

To conclude, everyone I talked to said that you have a great time during Welcome Week, which is true. Although, no one ever explained how “out of wack” your life my feel.

 

So here’s to more insecurities and issues. What about you? How was your first week of classes? Or are you already done with weeks and have you found “that group?”

 

 

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Official College Student

College AheadDo you give good news or bad news first? I tend to run all of mine together in the same sentence. As good of an idea as ripping off the band aid may be, I don’t like mine to hurt when I take them off.

I am an official college student that is currently over three thousand dollars in debt, but I already have twenty four concurrent credit hours, so I am almost a sophomore. See, doesn’t that take the blow of being in debt down some?

In all technicality I should only be a few hundred dollars in debt this first semester but my scholarships aren’t applied to my account yet. That’s still not counting books, but we (my grandparents and I) are certain that the first year is covered.

I don’t feel in limbo quite as much anymore now that I know my schedule. I am enrolled in three classes: a science, computer science, and math. The science is Biology and math is Applied Calculus for Life Sciences. They are all four hour classes, so I am a full time student.

A few days ago someone told me that I should have taken an extra class. They said if I had a bad grade it one I could drop, but still meet my hours for scholarships. Many people say eighteen credit hours is pushing it, but this advice came from someone who used to take at least twenty one hours. The logic makes sense, but I am not sure I could handle over six classes.

Its official and still sickening to know that in one month I will be moving into my dorm room. The sickening is in a good way, I think. Like I want to jump for joy that I am getting out of town. The longer I think the more terrified I become to leave my home of eighteen years.

Are you going into college this year? Already there? Or have already graduated? Please let me know and while you’re at it be sure to follow my blog.  Much more to come as I share my feeling of “the college experience.”

Graduation: Class of 2017

My initial thoughts on graduating high school.

People keep congratulating me and I don’t even know their names. I just nod and reply, “Thank You.” I’m not a talker and never have been, so they know I’m not trying to be short. Everything I own seems to have the numbers 2017 branded on them, and my grandmother keeps lugging more of it in by the day. I have a black dress, black shoes, and black cap and gown taunting me. Four days left. In four days I will hold a high school diploma in my hands. It’s so shocking I still can’t comprehend it.

A large part of me is ready. For the last week I have been out of school. I wake up, clean,  watch Netflix, and around noon start running errands. Sometimes I feel productive, but a majority feels like I am just wasting time. There is a saying “the years pass like days and the days pass like years.” That’s how I feel now because it is already Thursday night, but it feels like a few hours ago I was just graduating sixth grade. After taking my last AP exam this afternoon, the day has dragged on forever. I can’t wait to go to sleep.

My life has to be at least as scattered as that paragraph above. I was suppose to discuss how sometimes I feel like a capable adult ready to take on the world. Instead I just bit the bullet and went straight onto my failures. Since yesterday morning I’ve been stuck in a fog as if my conscience is literally in the clouds. My thoughts swirling out of control, unable to catch up with reality.

I do not like change. Envisioning that in less than a month I will be registering for college classes located over two hours away from my home is terrifying. I am not ready to wash laundry all by myself. I do not want to buy my own shampoo. But I am ready to start college classes; I took four this year and was very thrilled with their outcomes. I am ready to manage my own money, my grandmother has taught me well. Although I am still almost four thousand short for my tuition the first year, and that makes me uneasy. This is my education. I don’t want to financially burden my family.

The nervousness sinks in when it comes to getting social and involved.  I have social anxiety (although never officially diagnosed). The thought of walking up to people and uttering my name even makes me want to hyperventilate. I don’t mind being independent, I have always been that. I do mind getting out of my shell, but I won’t have any choice. I will not have family calling people for appointments or going to the bookstore to pay for classes. I have socially blossomed the last few years, but wondering how this transition will effect my anxiety gives me even more apprehension.

I try to keep all of these negativities off my mind. Maybe the reason I feel so out of it is because I spend all my time suppressing them. I like to be a happy person, being positive makes me happy. I have a drive. I will go to college. I will get a degree. I will have freinds. And, it will all be okay.